I am vacantly staring at this paper.  The only part of me that is moving is the few strands of hair that has fallen in the front of my face. I suddenly maintain a wave of pressure built in my face and my vision is blurred. Tears slowly falls from my swollen eyes. I can’t react quick enough to have the tears avoid landing on the paper. 

This paper is important, it is the questionnaire of a job application. 

Question number two, the words that have me paralyzed, states, “When we call your last boss, what would he/she say about you?”

Quiet honestly, I want to respond with an answer like, please don’t call my last boss. Then supply two dozen other phone numbers that would hold different voices that speak highly of me. 

My last boss and I were fantastic friends and we worked well together but we had a falling out that ended on awful terms. 

I care about what people think about me. Sure I spend the majority of my day with my hair as a mess, dressed in men’s t-shirts and some bum shorts, with maybe a hint of mascara applied on my stubby eye-lashes. Regardless of how I dress, I can’t say that “I don’t care what people think about me.” 

I do care because I care about my reputation and I care about my reflection. 

So as I write, thinking that this can help me clear my silly little head, I am trying to think like him. I am trying to be my past boss. How would he respond? Would the past 5 years of knowing him would make him speak words of love? Or would anger of the past 2 months make him speak bitterly about me? I don’t have a damn clue. 

Who knew that a routine job application could make me doubt my future as much as it does. I feel like I have no idea who I am. I have to face this application instead of avoiding it in fear. I have to face my past and right now. 

In life, you can’t hold back. You can’t just kind of do life. You are either in or you are out. You can’t kind of jump out of a plane, you do it or you don’t.

Wipe the tears off of your face and figure it out. Fear isn’t going to get this application done. Confidence in yourself is going to get it done. I’ve been struck down when I was strong. So shut up, get up, and get stronger. Stop avoiding and just answer the question.

I’m either in or I’m out. Danika, what would he do? Write words of love or bitter words? Ennie-meanie-miney-moe. Catch a tiger by his toe. If he hollers, let him go. 

Ennie

Meanie 

Minney 

Moe

it has to be words of love. 

It will go something like this…

Danika is a hard worker. She is accountable for all of the work that I gave her. As tired as she would get, her passion would never fade. She is reliable. I knew that she would step in to help, without hesitation, whenever I needed her. Most importantly, she has fun. 

 

Let’s just hope that when he gets that phone call, he can speak something like the “words of love” that I think he would. I know he will. 

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